Canada Officially Bans Consumption of House Hippos
By Scott Slute
Ottawa - The Canadian government officially announced today a strict ban on the consumption and farming of house hippos effective immediately.
Canada will now be enforcing strict penalties to those caught engaging in the illegal house hippo trade. Violators will face a $25000 fine along with up to 15 years in jail.
The Dominium-Hippopotamidae, more commonly referred to as the “North American House Hippo” is an endangered species found across Canada and some parts of the eastern United States. The ban was prompted after scientists at the Assiniboine Park Zoo in Winnipeg made the breakthrough discovery that house hippos were distant cousins to pangolins, the animal believed to be the original vector for human transmission of the coronavirus.
“With the growing number of COVID-19 variants, it’s our duty to take preventative measures to stop another mutation of the virus,” said Minister of Natural Resources John Yakabuski, “We need to be making the right decisions so we can get life back to normal, and our research indicates that the first step is to stop the consumption of house hippos.”
Yakabuski continued, “Look, I’m not going to pretend I haven’t enjoyed a braised house hippo taco before, maybe with a little sour cream, lettuce and hot sauce. Who could possibly resist that? But right now our top priority is stopping the spread of this virus.”
The hunting and sale of house hippos is a wide-spread tradition across Canada, historically being prominent in downtown Regina where reliable sources of protein can be scarce during winter months.
The St Jacobs Farmers Market in Kitchener-Waterloo has also been noted as a hotbed for house hippo trade. On any given Saturday, patrons of the market are likely to come across a wide variety of house hippos being barbecued, smoked, and even being sold live.
“I don’t know what Mr Trudeau is expecting me to do for income now,” said market vendor and house hippo farmer Rodney McArthur, ‘My livelihood is dependant on selling my signature hickory smoked house hippo jerky. Where is the bailout for small business owners like me?”
Others however, like animal rights activist Ramona Deloitte, are more pleased with the news.
“It’s unfortunate that millions of human lives had to be lost in order to bring awareness to the plight of the house hippo. But at the end of the day it's about ending this savage trade no matter what the cost might be.”
In response to the demand for house hippo meat, Canadian company Light Life has announced that it has already begun work on plant-based house hippo meat. The products are expected to roll out later this month and will be available in both “ground” and “nugget” formats.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold