Province Revises Definition Of Quarantine To “Just Not Talking To Your Co-Workers”

Queen’s Park - Just days after changing Ontario’s quarantine period from 10 days to 5, the province has once again revised their guidelines and now recommend those who test positive for COVID-19 immediately return to work but just try not to talk to their co-workers too much.

“Our data indicates that the virus primarily travels via respiratory droplets, and therefore if you just keep your mouth shut at work there’s not really an issue,” stated Ontario’s top doctor Kieran Moore while Doug Ford pointed a revolver at him from under the table, “Even with a positive test result, employees should immediately return to their private sector jobs following these guidelines.”

When questioned on whether employees could perform their job while sick, Dr Moore stated that unless you’re a professional marathon runner you really don’t need full lung capacity to work efficiently and thus would be fine to return to work even with severe symptoms.

The Ontario Medical board also noted that the virus seems to become even more transmissible during any union meetings.