Christine Elliot Reveals Ontario’s New Reopening Plan: “Solve these riddles three, then patios and haircuts Ontario shall see.”

By Scott Slute

Queens Park - As rumours circulate as to just when exactly Ontario will finally begin the steps of reopening, Health Minister Christine Elliot has finally clarified when exactly that will take place during a press conference today.

Pulling out a crystal ball and potentially problematic head attire, Elliot entered a trance-like state as she began to channel the ancient gods of lockdown. Fog then entered the room, and Education Minister Stephen Lecce could be heard backstage shouting, “Yes! More smoke! These idiots love it!”

Elliot then snapped back and shouted, “A decision has been made! To open Ontario, the citizens must solve three riddles! Only then will it be time!”

The minister explained that the riddles, each more complex then the last, must all be answered correctly. If even one answer is wrong, then Ontario will be forced to look at John Tory’s hair for at least one fortnight.

During questions period, a reporter from CBC asked Minister Elliot when the province could expect to know what the riddles are. Elliot stated that much like her government’s past reopening announcements, Ontario could expect to hear the riddles with 11 minutes notice.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold