Guy Who Bullied You In High School Now Going To Bully You Into Buying A Condo
By Scott Slute
Toronto - As the average price of a house continues to fall in Toronto, now is the perfect time to buy a condo from that popular guy in high school who made you do all the work for your group assignment on Macbeth in your grade 11 English class.
Real estate agents (currently the most popular job amongst people who played every major sport in high school) are saying that prices are at an all-time low so now is the perfect time to buy unless you’re still a virgin. Just kidding, virgins can buy them too.
Kyle Cockburn is one of many people you promised you would never talk to again when you moved from Kitchener to Toronto after graduating high school. But now he’s back in your life and you need him in order to make the biggest financial decision of your life!
“Buddy! What’s it been like 10 years since we’ve seen each other last? I’ve been waiting for you to accept my Instagram follow request for months,” real estate agent Cockburn says in a voicemail to a potential client, “Anyways, my mom tells me your mom says your looking to finally invest in property. Oh buddy, I have the best connections in City Place. Gimme a call back or a DM when you get this!”
Although Cockburn’s real estate style is unorthodox, and after each meeting he insists you guys go to Elephant and Castle for a few drinks so he can tell you stories from high school he wildly misremembers, clients admit he’s one of the best there is.
“I was a little skeptical buying an $800,000 condo off a guy who broke my parent’s sliding glass door during our graduation party,” says recent home buyer Lamar Maxwell, “But seeing the way Kyle used his tactics to bully the bank into giving me a fixed rate mortgage at 2.1%, I would recommend him every time!”
Cockburn doesn’t just rely on being a 31 year old piece of shit to get you in the home of your dreams, his youthful persona also allows him to utilize social media to better reach his clients.
“I’m not just a regular real estate agent, I’m also on Tik Tok!”
Implementing Tik Tok trends that went out of style at least 4 months ago, Kyle uses the social media platform to let his hip, youthful clientele know that they can trust him with their life savings and if they don’t, well lets just say he’s going to tell your entire office what he walked in on you doing in Carly Stone’s bathroom at that house party in grade 11.
Kyle said there might be other real estate options in the city, but he’s the best there is. Also if you don’t buy from him then he will passive aggressively bring it up to every person you’re talking to during your high school reunion.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold
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