Tokyo Prepares To Welcome Olympic COVID Variant

By Paul Dudar

Tokyo - As the first Olympic athletes have now tested positive for COVID-19, Tokyo is preparing to celebrate the creation of a new variant of COVID during this Friday’s opening ceremonies.

Athletes from around the world will come together in a city that is being plagued by high COVID cases, overflowing hospitals and perilously low vaccination rates for an event that is colonial by nature. I mean, lets face it.

As for the new variant, experts say this one “just fucking kills you.” According to Dr. Teresa Tam, the Olympic-variant has "all the worst qualities of the other variants. It just turns your organs into liquid shit. Ya know, good work everybody."

"We definitely, maybe could have prevented this," said IOC President Thomas Bach. "Ask yourself, could the world have squeaked by another 4 years without an Olympics.....sure, but what kind of world would that be? Fuck it! Gotta get that TV money!"

At press time, athletes staying in the Olympic Village had completely run out of condoms. However, they had just received a large shipment of N95 masks and COVID home tests.

Paul Dudar is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. More of Paul’s work can be found on Twitter @PaulDudar and his website www.pauldudar.com