Canadian Dignitaries Withdraw From Beijing Olympics Over Concerns Of Being Wrongfully Detained For 3 Years

By Keith Graham

Beijing - Channeling their inner totalitarian toddler The People’s Republic of China, which is coincidentally also a nation that doesn’t like to have its putrid human rights record rubbed in its face, is apparently mad at the country of Canada for not sending any grown-ups to China’s big Olympic sports party next year.

China, who has invited a long list of prospective detainees to their Olympic event, was said to have been extra angry after Canada followed the lead of the U.S., Lithuania and Australia and chose not to send any diplomats to China to be inconveniently disappeared for 3 years. 

“I don’t know what they want from us?” said Trisha Smith, head of the Canadian Olympic Committee. “They literally just gave us back two of our citizens whom they kept in a broom closet for a thousand days and were like ‘oopsie what a mistake’ and then when we say we aren’t coming they threaten us like an 8-year-old who is about to runaway from their parents.” Smith added “Yes, lets all hop on the first plane to Beijing. Let me buy a Huawei phone too while im at it.”

Chinese Ambassador to Canada Cong Peiwu has stated that the Chinese government has worked really hard in preparation for next year’s events, having relocated several thousand individuals to ‘Olympic preparation Camps’ in Mongolia and murdering thousands of Ethnic Uighurs in the process.

“We have taken all the necessary steps to ensure the games are a success” said Peiwu pausing to re-adjust his foot on the throat of Chinese Tennis star Peng Shuai.

When asked for further comment, Chinese Ambassador to Canada Cong Peiwu replied with “Canada will never be invited to any of our parties. And don’t even think of calling us because my Dad blocked your number.” Peiwu went on to write ‘Canada sucks’ on the wall in red crayon.

Reportedly, as of press time China had sent a ‘u still mad?’ text to Prime Minister Trudeau.

Keith Graham is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold