Keystone XL Pipeline Cancelled And Replaced With Keystone Light Pipeline

1,897km of non-stop triple filtered summer fun

By Connor O’Brien

Alberta - The Coolest and most beloved $8-billion oil pipeline that was set to rip through already occupied land from Alberta to Nebraska has officially been cancelled for tweets it made in 2010, confirmed on Wednesday.

Alberta Premier Jason Kenney says he’s worked out a legal strategy to recoup losses from the failed pipeline by teaming up with Molson to make the most rockin’ summer yet.

“We love it,” said every Albertan ages 12 to Nearly Dead, “It’s either this or crude oil, nothing else.”

When confronted with criticism on how that would be possible, Kenney stated, “I would get the Alberta government out of not getting fucking sloshed this summer. I’m picking only winners instead of losers this time because I don’t want fucking nerds at the party!”

Although the pipeline will not go through the province of Ontario, Premier Ford has insisted that the pipeline was originally his idea in the first place.

“Folks, we gotta realize that this – c’mon, it’s got buck a beer written all over it! I should be able to gulp it all down like an 800lb gorilla whenever I please!”

The pipeline is set to cost $40-billion with an estimate of killing hundreds to offset the displacement of thousands of people. The project is to be completed by 2027 at the earliest.