We Asked Notable Toronto Residents What Their 2024 New Year’s Resolutions Were

Premier Doug Ford

“This year I will bring happiness to the people of Ontario by gifting them all a truck”

Austin Matthews

“In 2024 I will save up enough money to finally be able to buy a parrot that is fluent in Portuguese.”

Aubrey Graham

“This year will finally be the year I pass my G2 road test.”

Galen Weston

“I don’t make resolutions, I make money. I mean, shit, can we start over? In 2024 I will lower the price of chicken to $88 a pound to ensure Canadians can enjoy that savoury treat at least once a year.”

Nick Nurse

“Please stop calling me and asking if I want to go to Sugo for lasagna with you. I haven’t lived in Toronto since April.”

Deadmau5

“I want to learn how to unicycle so I can unicycle up and down my condo hallway and my neighbours will say ‘Is that our neighbour Deadmau5 unicycling down our condo hallway?’”

Olivia Chow

“In 2024 I will do something.”

Raccoon

“This year I will get my GED so I can work for Canada Post and provide a better life for my wife and kids.”