Santa Tests Positive For New COVID-19 Variant
Jolly Old Saint Nick confirmed this morning he has tested positive for the new UK strain of coronavirus, potentially exposing millions of good girls and boys to the virus.
By Scott Slute
North Pole - A representative from Santa Clause’s team released a statement to the media this morning revealing that Chris Kringle himself has indeed contracted the new strain of COVID-19.
The North Pole’s chief medical expert Dr Plumpop Sparkledust has confirmed Santa is in a stable condition despite being a part of the at-risk demographic as a 350 year old obese male who subsides on nothing but sugar and cow’s milk. Dr Sparkledust reassured the media Santa was expected to make a full recovery, citing former New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s 3 day recovery from the virus.
It’s unknown yet whether Santa started his globe-trotting journey having already contracted the virus, or if he was exposed to it making his rounds in the UK before heading off to North America. Experts predict Santa may have exposed anywhere from 500,000 to 2,000,000 children on his Nice List to the virus.
Last week, Dr Fauci confirmed that Santa had received the Pfizer vaccine, despite him not being an essential worker such as an ER nurse or the representative for New York's 14th congressional district . It appears however, as was being speculated by members of the medical community, that this vaccine does not provide immunity to new strains and mutations of the virus.
Locally, Durham Region medical authorities now believe the couple who tested positive for the new UK strain of the virus (despite no record of travel) were exposed to it after accidentally consuming the half-finished glass of milk Santa drank while stuffing their stockings.
When questioned on potential repercussions for disobeying lockdown orders, Premier Ford stumbled out of his cottage holding a glass of egg nog and stated his government would punish Mr Claus to the fullest extent.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold