Ford Government Announces ‘Game-Changing’ Extra-Long Lunch Break For Sick Employees

By Luke O’Brien

Toronto- The Ford Government has proudly announced that its new 2-hour lunch breaks—paid for by the WSIB after a 2-week mandatory employee screening and illness assessment— for any essential worker who may fear they have contracted a deadly and explosively spreading novel virus.

Premier Ford addressed reporters via Zoom from his luxury cottage getaway after a 25-minute delay, wherein the 56-year-old had to be coached by a crack team of IT professionals via BBM on how to connect his laptop to WiFi. Wiping tears of joy away from his eyes, Mr. Ford demanded that all of the people who said mean things to him immediately add his Blackberry pin and apologize.

The new plan to ensure that workplace spread—the primary driver of infection in a year-long pandemic from which tens of thousands have died and tens of thousands more have been physically affected—has been in the works for hours. After multiple political manoeuvres and stalling attempts, the Ford administration think they “finally nailed this one” and that they can “watch the Leafs game now without that troublesome guilty feeling that they’re murdering people for profit”.

The Ford “Go Sit In Your Car For A Bit” plan defers mostly to the WSIB, which will have an easy-to-use system where employees simply will deduct their lost one-hour paid wages and have the lost $14-after-tax added back into their next paycheque if they at all feel the symptoms of the deadly COVID-19 virus, or indeed any of its novel variants which pose a unique and perilous new risk to our fragile state of public virus resistance.

“This could really be the game changer we’ve been looking for,” added local human cave-fish and current Conservative Labour Minister Monte McNaughton before going onto add that this plan is definitely the most thorough, comprehensive, and generous plan that has ever been devised after getting blackout drunk on vodka and killing a homeless person like in American Psycho.

The plan will roll out immediately in 4-weeks time.

Luke O’Brien is The Toronto Harold’s Editor of Socialist Propaganda

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