First-Time Home Owner Eager To Tell Telemarketer He Actually Is Interested In Duct Cleaning Service

By Paul Dudar

Scarborough – New home owner, Ray Derulo, stood on the lawn of his 3-bedroom 2 ½ bath bungalow near Kennedy and Ellesmere on Friday morning and exclaimed to his socially distant neighbours that “This is the day! Today, they’re going to call!” Derulo has done this every morning since he moved into the house 6 months ago.

Over the last decade, Mr. Derulio and his wife Ellen had been renting a 1-bedroom condo in City Place and were constantly being harassed by telemarketers attempting to sell him duct cleaning service.

“For years, I would get 5 calls a day every day,” claims Derulo. “I would lose it on them! I’d tell them ‘I live in a condo! I don’t have ducts to clean! I’m not even sure what a duct is! STOP CALLING ME!!!’ But they kept calling. But now… it’s finally time.

When Derulo's neighbour, Mr. Jai Patel, tried to offer the info that he used for his duct cleaning last spring Deruilo vehemently refused. “They will call,” decried Deruilo.

“I can’t fucking believe it! You spend years scraping together a 25% down payment and you finally become a homeowner in Toronto and the goddamn duct people don’t call you anymore,” exclaimed Derulo in his bathrobe.

At press time, Mr. Dreuilo stated that once travel restrictions loosened he was very excited to finally go on that free cruise he won.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com