BREAKING: Baseball Still Boring AF

By Andrew Scott

Sports - With home openers for the MLB 2022 season now behind us, an Ipsos-Reid poll conducted Friday finds that 90% of Torontonians still find America’s supposed favourite pastime excruciatingly dull.

“What those polled don’t understand,” states baseball statistician Steven Waller, speaking with a prosetilizing zeal while showing off the algorithmic code he wrote in order to compare the 2022 slash lines of Vladimir Guerrero Jr. and Teoscar Hernández, “Is just how relatable and fun following the game of baseball can be. I mean, who wouldn’t like to know that last season Cavan Biggio had an OBP of .354, a SLG of .500 and an OPS of .854!”

Although prior to press time this reporter did attempt to reach out to both players and fans for comment on the Ipsos-Reid findings, the players were unavailable as games were still continuing more than four hours after starting while most spectators in attendance had nodded off.

Andrew Scott is a musician and writer who lives in Toronto in a house amongst children, antiquated technology of yesteryear and many, many instruments. Instagram, writing, poetry, more poetry.