Biden Says America Is On Pace To Stop Giving A Shit By August 31

By Paul Dudar

Washington – At the White House on Wednesday, President Biden reaffirmed the nation's commitment to becoming indifferent to the plight of Afghans by "sometime in the middle of next week."

"The images coming out of the Kabul Airport are heartbreaking and the loss of life is tragic. But as American's we must be steadfast and not give a flying fuck about our allies who risked everything to help us while we were there," said Biden. 

When asked if there was any concern about the safety of Afghans who worked for America during their time in Afghanistan, Biden responded, “We pretended to care for like 20 years, man. Kinda over it now. Aren’t you?"

"I've made a career based on the American peoples lack of long term memory. Remember, when Barack and I called in a drone strike on a wedding in Yemen? Exactly!," a smug Biden told the assembled press, "Look, if we do this right, bury our heads in the sand on August 31....one day our children, and their children, can be part of a war that has no end and an ambiguous objective.

At press time, sources inside the White House confirmed that plans were underway to invade Afghanistan as part of a 2024 Democratic Election promise.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com