Cyclist Who Ran Over Old Lady Just Glad He Wasn’t Doored Today

By Graham Kritzer

Toronto - Local cyclist Ian McKenzie knows what it’s like to navigate the tricky and often perilous streets of downtown Toronto. The 36-year-old Crypto Investment Advisor commutes from his home in Toronto’s Beaches neighbourhood, all the way to the downtown core every morning.

“The streetcars are the worst. They just stop for no reason. This morning, a lady in a stroller just missed taking me out on the sidewalk, and I had to pivot quick. Long story short a streetcar was letting people out and I may have brushed up against some young woman.”

The ‘young woman’ in question was 88-year-old Gladys Thompson who was returning from her morning trip to the Leslieville fruit market, when she encountered McKenzie. “This cocksucker blew past the open doors yelling ‘GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY YOU OLD CUNTS’, and then BOOM he hit me, and my fucking bananas and apples went all over the place.” Thompson added that as people stopped to help her, McKenzie could be heard yelling ‘GET OFF THE ROAD ASSHOLE’.

When asked about the incident, McKenzie skirted around the question. “Look. Every other day out here is wild ” he said pausing to remove a confused toddler from his spokes, “You never know when some idiot on four wheels is going to open his door without looking and completely harsh your vibe.” McKenzie then proceeded to blow a stop sign causing a 6-car collision in the middle of a cross walk.

It appears that the seemingly endless battle between cyclist and everyone else on the planet will continue to rage on, with neither side willing to change position.

As of press time, McKenzie was reportedly upside down in an oak tree after being doored by a school bus.

Graham Kritzer is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. More of his work can be found at @grahamkritzer