"A Green Belt? Folks, I Don't Even Own A Black One" Ford Decrees In Sweatpants

By Connor O’Brien

Queen’s Park - A lackadaisically looking Ontario Premier Doug Ford arrived at a press conference this afternoon while rubbing the sleep from his eyes, attempting to shift blame of his appearance on Sears, deeming "I'm disappointed in the selection we have to put up with nowadays."

The premier was set to address the media regarding the RCMP investigation into his Greenbelt deal. "A Green Belt? Folks, I don't even own a black one. Another attempt to make me look foolish," Ford decreed as he idly picked through a bag of Corn Twists and adjusted his grey sweatpants. "Can't you guys find another Ontario Premier to make fun already, please?"

As the province observes the natural landscape's destruction, Doug Ford continued, inhaling sharply from a Rocket Pop 87% THC cartridge, "Folks, if it weren't for all this green, would I be belting all this smoke?"

Connor O’Brien is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold and resident rascal.