Canada Facing Nation-Wide Epidemic Of Jeans Shrinking In The Dryer… Ya That Must Be It…

By Scott Slute

Hamilton - Coronavirus, murder hornets, “zombie fires”, and melting ice caps are just a few of the disasters impacting Canadians this year. Now, the nation is being hit with yet another crisis; a wide-spread epidemic of jeans that keep mysteriously shrinking somehow.

From coast-to-coast, Canadians have reported having a much harder time fitting into their jeans ever since mid-March, and no one is able to figure out why.   

“I just don’t understand what’s happening, these jeans have fit me perfectly for years but since April they’ve been so tight,” says Katia Gilford, as she enjoys her eleventh Nature Valley granola bar of the day. “I guess I must have washed them in hot water by accident. That causes clothes to shrink, right?”

Climate scientists have theorized that this may be related to global warming. The researchers believe that the rising temperatures of Earth have been causing people’s washers and dryers to operate at a higher than usual temperature, thus causing everyones clothes to shrink across the country.

“Now that we’re getting some nice weather I even tried hanging my jeans up outside to dry but they still shrunk! I don’t understand. Maybe its the detergent I’m using,” 41 year old Sandra Hanlon tells us.

The researchers found no connection between the shrinking clothes and the fact that Canadians have been subsisting off of nothing but bagels and frozen pizzas for the past two months. 

This mysterious crisis seems to be spreading to more than just Canadian homes. Chloe Horne recently ordered a new skirt from Joe Fresh, but when the garment arrived she made a disturbing discovery.  

“It was too tight! I’ve worn a size 6 for the last decade and I’ve never had this problem before! I couldn’t even get it around my waist” Ms Horne tells us, “They must be having the same problem with their dryers as I am at home. What a disaster!”  

Some users on the alt-right platform 8chan believe that the Chinese government has orchestrated a cyber-attack on Canadian’s dryers, however National Defense Minister Harjit Sajjan was quick to dismiss this theory.  

Many Canadians have begun adopting the new “work-from-home unifrom” and just leaving their sweatpants on all day because who are they even trying to impress by wearing jeans anyways. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold.