Steven Del Duca Caught Expensing $50,000 In Lettuce And Baby Carrots To His Enclosure

By Luke O’Brien

Toronto - Shocking revelations of Ontario Liberal leader Steven Del Duca's lavish expenses on the dime of his constituents during his tenure as both right-hand man to former premiere Kathleen Wynne and while performing his still-current role as a petting zoo turtle have recently come to light.

It is alleged that Mr. Del Duca expensed over $50,000 on elaborate arrangements of whole-leaf lettuce, jumbo bags of baby carrots and even an ostentatious fruit display of a nude Doug Ford being devoured by ravenous snapping turtles. This scandal comes at a bad time for the Ontario Liberal leader, who recently experienced a health scare at the leaders debate where he briefly fell backwards and couldn't flip over onto his stomach during a period of intense questioning.

The Ontario Liberals, in a prepared statement to The Toronto Harold, have expressed that expenses of this kind are, "actually quite normal, and potentially even cost-saving," noting that Mr. Del Duca does not fly a private jet or even drive, as he prefers to take it easy and eventually get to his destinations at his own pace — often much quicker than his lagomorphic opponents.

"It's times like this we should be focused on defeating Doug Ford and his cronies instead of focussing on expense minutae such as these," the statement continued. The Liberals have also expressed frustration with the messaging from the NDP regarding Mr. Del Duca's sun lamp and have repeatedly stated that the lamp is very low wattage since they switched to LEDs and that it's only on for "15 hours, max" per day. However, when reached for comment at press time by the Harold staff, Mr. Del Duca refused to answer and simply withdrew into his shell.

Luke O’Brien is, for legal purposes, not associated with The Toronto Harold or any of it’s subsidiaries.