Premier Ford Admits He Thought Ottawa Was In Quebec
By Gabriel Venneri
Ottawa - In a press conference held earlier this week, Premier Doug Ford revealed that he thought the city of Ottawa was actually in Quebec. He explained that this was the reason he did not show up during the trucker rally earlier this year and why he canceled his campaign stop there, which was scheduled for Thursday.
“My friends, I thought it was weird that I had a campaign stop in another province, I thought we were doing it so I could show off my amazing French speaking skills, mon amys,” said the Premier, “Are we completely sure that Ottawa isn’t in Quebec? Trudeau sounds French and I think they speak Francaise there. So it must be in Quebec, right? I think you’re trying to pull one over on ol’ kindly uncle Dougy here.”
Minister of Education, Stephen Lecce, then tried to point out Ottawa on a map for the Premier, but after fifteen minutes he was also unable to locate the nation’s capital.
“This is harder than it looks... Wait, is that it?” asked Lecce, pointing to Rochester, New York, “I think it’s near a body of water or something. I wish I had learned this in school.”
When a small child in the crowd finally volunteered to locate Ottawa for the Premier, he quickly announced that he wasn’t canceling his campaign stop there but rather postponing it.
“That’s the place that got devastated by that tornado right? I would offer to help but I’m still pretty sure Ottawa is actually part of Quebec. It’s not April fools is it?” questioned Ford, scrambling to sound competent, “Folks, I think we’ll wait until they get everything under control with the power grid first. The battery on my Nintendo Switch is almost dead and I’m scared of the dark, so this is a bad time for me to be without electricity. How does next week work for you?”
No reports yet on whether Ford will help the citizens of Ottawa clean up the debris with the tiny shovel he used during the snowstorm that hit southern Ontario back in January.
Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn