Doug Ford Worried Shipment of Elephants and Jugglers Won’t Arrive in Time for His Lockdown Announcement
By Luke O’Brien
Queen’s Park - Aides to Premiere Ford have allegedly been informed that due to a worldwide slowdown of cheaply sourced circus performers and captive animals from Southwest Asia, the Premiere’s ‘3rd Annual Ontario Lockdown Announcement Gala sponsored by Frito-Lays™’ may have to scale the event down to an ‘outdoor-only’ flyover of the CAF Snowbirds alongside performances from John Legend and Rhianna.
More unfortunate news rocked the Premiere’s star-studded event, as his announcement of making it so that you can only go to your immunological petri dish of a workplace for 8 hours and nothing else was leaked pre-emptively, causing a visibly furious Ford to smash the windows out of his brand-new Mercedes he was planning on jumping over the Don Valley river following his announcement.
Staff inside Ford’s office however have reached out to our reporters prior to publication with the promise of finding a more locally-based “Sigfried and Roy kinda situation” at the whining behest of the red-eyed Premiere who said his Sweet 16-Week Lockdown would be “totally fucking ruined” if ratings dipped below the season 5 debut of Young Sheldon later this month.
As the daily COVID infection rate climbs to over 2,000 new cases per day, the Premiere made sure to send out the invites to his super-secret, ultra-special TV debut tomorrow at 11 AM/EST, 8 AM/PST and admonished all viewers to make sure that they download the Doug Ford app which will allow fans to text in their words of encouragement and praise for our big wet fuckup in charge.
At press time, Doug was seen practicing with his coordination team to nail his look of surprise as Nik Wallenda will unicycle across the edge of the Prince Edward Viaduct to officially deliver the announcement that Shoppers Drug Mart will only allow 25% customer capacity until it’s “too annoying” to keep doing.
Luke O’Brien is a contributing write at The Toronto Harold and currently being investigated by the federal government for CERB fraud.