BREAKING: Ford Announces Plan To Combat COVID-19 By Doing "Absolutely Nothing At All, FUCK IT!"

Ford at Queen’s Park, as he stares at something shiny during the press conference

By Paul Dudar

Toronto - "My offer is this.....NOTHING!" said Premier Ford in a lackadaisical fashion to the assembled press core at Queen's Park. Following weeks of rising COVID case numbers in the province of Ontario, the Premier remained steadfast in his commitment to do absolutely nothing.

"My friends! I have a pocket full of fuck, and I'm keeping all of it. Because, folks, I don't give a fuck," reinforced Ford. "It's all, COVID this, and my grandma's dead that, but we really ran out of all the fucks the province of Ontario is prepared to give."

Following this, Health Minister Catherine Elliot came to the podium and said, "You're on your own Ontario, good night!" It was only 1:30 pm.

At press time, the province of Ontario announced it would be making vaccines available to all residents of York Region and all people whose last name rhymes with "ord".

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com