Out Of Control Plane Asked To Aim For Downtown Oshawa

By Keith Graham

Oshawa - An out-of-control cargo jet landed in downtown Oshawa yesterday, injuring no one and causing damage that Durham Regional Police say “isn’t really noticeable…almost an improvement really.”

The trouble began around noon as the Boeing 757 UPS Cargo jet en route to Toronto from Dorval airport in Montreal began experiencing engine trouble somewhere over Belleville, Ontario. Pilot Gerry Drangus radioed Pearson Airport towers with a distress call thinking he would not be able to make it there and needed to land immediately.

“I got the instructions from the tower,” said Drangus. “They said aim the plane for Downtown Oshawa, and hit the eject button, and I was like ‘ya this makes total sense.’”

“We had a decision to make” said Air traffic Controller Linda Mackie. “It was either the island airport, Buttonville airport, thousands of farmers fields, or downtown Oshawa, and given the state of the latter we figured that no one would notice if a giant, hurtling tube of metal and steel and fuel crashed into the city core. And, well, we were right.”

Officials say the decision to veer the plane off course and abandon-ship was the correct one. Oshawa Mayor Dan Carter praised the quick-thinking tactics adding, “A smouldering plane wreck in the middle of our ‘no-go zone’…sorry I misspoke…our ‘downtown core’ is exactly what we needed to give this city a boost. Also, do you have like, $10 I can borrow?”

As of press time the entire Boeing 757 fuselage had been totally stripped of any valuable materials, and any remaining fires had simply merged with fires that were already burning downtown before the crash.

Keith Graham is a contributing author at The Toronto Harold and is NOT a fake name.