Ford Warns Santa: “Stay Home, Fat Man.”
By Scott Slute
Toronto - After making his announcement today that Ontario would be going into a province-wide lockdown starting at 12:01am on December 26th, Ford gave a stern warning to jolly old Saint Nick: “Although these lockdown orders come into effect on Boxing Day, I would like to remind all Ontarians of the dangers of inter-province travel. Whether that be traveling from lockdown areas to non-lockdown areas, crossing provincial borders, or traveling across the globe and entering all the homes of all the nice girls and boys.”
“My friends, believe me, the decision for Ontario to enter a lockdown wasn’t an easy one to make, but it was the right one,” stated Ford, “We all need to do our part to stop the spread of COVID-19, and unfortunately that means we can’t have Santa delivering presents this year. If Ontarians want presents, they should go to The Bay, Walmart, Home Depot, or the dozens of other big box retailers I’ve deemed essential and have allowed to stay open.”
With the number of COVID-19 cases having risen dramatically over the last week, the Ford government made the decision to put the entire province into lockdown, including temporarily suspending in-class schools about 3 months too late. Ford emphasized that (assuming he has no last-minute weddings to attend) no one in the province was above these new lockdown orders, not even Kris Kringle himself.
“I’ve got these anti-mask yahoos outside my house every day, and to make matters worse I now hear about this Santa Clause fellow conspiring to break lockdown orders by visiting every home in Ontario including those already in the Grey Zone,” said an angered Ford, his face glowing brighter than Rudolph’s red nose, “I’ll give you just one warning, Father Christmas, if I find out you climbed down even one chimney there will be hell to pay!”
During question period, Ford later refuted accusations that his attack against Santa was personally motivated, after leaked documents by the CBC revealed Ford has been on Santa’s Naughty List since 1971.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold