Santa’s Special Little Elf John Tory Prepares This Years’ ‘Toys’ For All The ‘Nice’ Property Management Girls And Boys
By Luke O’Brein
North Pole - Toronto Mayor and ‘Special Little Fella’ to Santa Claus, John Tory, is excited to put the finishing touches on an agreement to rezone 3-4 local community landmarks to build another 40%-vacancy condominium for his favourite little real estate companies who have been on their extra special good behaviour this year.
Clicking his soft little shoes together in the air and emitting a joyous tinkling of jingle bells adorned on his ankles, the senescent little imp was overrun with Christmas cheer imagining sickly little Royal Lepage Signature Realty waking up, running over to the Christmas tree with wide and wild eyes, and unwrapping another $2,900/month, one-bedroom-plus-fees luxury condo situated right on where poor people used to have a grocery store.
As the countdown ticks closer and closer to Christmas Eve, the decrepit little sprite was quoted as saying that he put his extra heart and soul into making sure that this obscene overdevelopment happens with as much Christmas magic as Santa could spare this Christmas, noting how tough this year has been on profit lines.
“Don’t worry, me and Santa have been hard at work making sure that everyone on the ‘Naughty List’ this year will be subject to 1 minute Zoom eviction hearings, and that’s not all, we’re gonna put some coal in their hand and remind them that we have a job to do,” the senile pixie Tory was quoted before continuing the sentence on with no added information for another 10 minutes.
At press time, the anile hobgoblin Tory was seen putting on his traditional red-white-and-green Raptors blazer and going to finish filming his weekly Tik Toks prior to finishing his presents for the homeless and vulnerable, which he promised were totally for sure on their way as soon as he could get to Dollarama during grey-stage lockdown.
Luke O’Brien (@lukeofbrien) is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold and definitely holds no ill-will towards any big box electronic retailer.