Homeland Security Accidentally Deploys 1500 NASA Employees To Act As Crowd Control In Portland
By Paul Dudar
PORTLAND, OR – ICE and Border Patrol Agents who had been deployed to Portland to protect federal buildings were set to be rotated out this Tuesday with another Federal agency. The agents, who were prepared to be relieved of duty by members of the national guard, were shocked when 1500 NASA scientists arrived to keep the protests under control.
Said one protester, “We were gearing up for yet another stretch of violence and authoritarian oppression, instead, we found ourselves surrounded by astronauts and scientists! I’m excited that instead of having my brain bashed with a baton, this week it’ll get bashed with knowledge!”
In what critics are calling the greatest bureaucratic snafu since the US Army Air Corps dropped FDRs wheelchair on Berlin during an air raid in 1944, the Department of Homeland Security sent NASA to confront demonstrators in Portland this Tuesday. This mishap began with an e-mail sent from acting-Homeland Secretary Chad Wolf’s cell phone. When asked for comment Wolff snapped at this reporter saying, “I got busy last week, OK! I hit send on my phone without proofreading it! Fucking autocorrect!”
Before anybody caught on, NASA personnel were already staged in front of the Mark O. Hatfield Federal Courthouse staring down thousands of protestors protesters. “NASA was never intended for crowd control, but we all have an opportunity here,” said veteran Astronaut Buzz Aldrin. The 90- year-old Apollo 11 Lunar Module pilot retired decades ago but was reactivated and flown to Portland with the rest of NASA.
Lacking any sort of riot-gear or crowd control equipment used to disperse crowds, NASA chose to educate the protesters about their upcoming projects. Astronaut Mae Jemison addressed the crowd and reaffirmed NASA’s long-held belief in diversity in space. Jemison proclaimed, "...the heavens belong to us all!” She then went on to talk about the major contributions of the BIPOC community in the space race and in the upcoming Moon and Mars missions.
“It was great to hear about diversity in the space program. We still have a lot to do on planet Earth, but at least we know the folks at NASA are dedicated to bringing equality to the stars,” said one protester. “Watching a demonstration of the next-generation spacesuits has been a refreshing change from being clubbed, tear-gassed and pepper-sprayed. NASA ROCKS DUDE!”
At press time, former-ISS Commander Scott Kelly addressed the gathered protesters saying “If we were able to kick all the Nazi’s out of NASA, then we can defiantly kick them out of the White House too!”
Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com