Mother Of Three Actually Thinks Cracker Barrel Medium Cheddar Belongs On Fancy Charcuterie Board

By Scott Slute

Barrie - Tensions ran high this Sunday at the Clarke family dinner after matriarch Diane actually thought Cracker Barrel Medium Cheddar belonged on the pre-meal charcuterie board.   

“I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life,” said Diane’s daughter Hannah, a third year poli-sci major at the University of Toronto, “Me and my roommates go to Terroni’s at least once a month so I know what culture is. And Cracker Barrel Medium Cheddar does not belong on a fancy charcuterie board.”

The initial charcuterie board included various meats and cheeses including Pecorino-Romano, speck, camembert, soppressata and a very mild Quebec bleu, all of which Hannah had purchased from Global Cheese Shoppe in Toronto because, “there’s no good cheese in Barrie. You can only get it in Toronto. Oh and I brought olives! You have to have olives on a charcuterie board!”

The 51 year old mother of three justified her stance in wanting to include the economically priced cheese by citing the fact that she already had half a block just sitting in the fridge and, more importantly, she just liked the taste of Cracker Barrel Medium Cheddar.  

“She didn’t even bother to cut off the end with the grate marks on it from when Kevin made nachos this weekend,” said Hannah, referring to her 19 year old brother , “She said it still tasted the same and no one would see it so what did it matter. Like, are you kidding me?”

Hannah, in a fit of rage, claimed her mother couldn’t even begin to understand the embarrassment of posting a charcuterie board to Instagram that included Cracker Barrel Medium Cheddar, a cheese Diane had purchased at Metro in the same aisle as the milk and eggs. Hannah stated that if the charcuterie board wasn’t nice enough to post online than she didn’t even want to continue assembling it.  

Kevin, Diane’s son and sibling to Hannah, returned from his third “walk” of the evening and heard about the conflict that had transpired in his absence. Ultimately, Kevin sided with his mother stating, “Yo cheddar cheese slaps. All cheese slaps though. I’m a big fan of cheese… Yo you probably know about laws and stuff right? Hypothetically, could Trudeau arrest me if I spent my CERB money on a bong?” 

Diane’s third child Aidan, 13, was notably absent from the conflict as he was in the basement playing Fortnite while listening to Travis Scott, which Diane doesn’t like him listening to but it’s definitely not because she’s racist or anything she doesn’t have a problem with black people at all in fact Aidan’s best friend is black and Diane loves that she just doesn’t like all the cursing in rap music.    

Ultimately, the conflict was resolved after Diane told Hannah if she didn’t like the Cracker Barrel Medium Cheddar on the charcuterie board then she could just walk herself to the GO station and take the train back downtown to her apartment in Kensington market and make her own charcuterie board with her 7 roommates.

 “I’m devastated. I just wanted to bring a little culture to our family dinner,” Hannah tells us, “I even brought red wine! You can’t have a charcuterie board without red wine!” Hannah says, motioning to a $8.15 bottle of Toro Bravo. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold