In An Effort To Maximize Government Inefficiency, ServiceOntario To Be Moved To Staples

By Andrew Scott

Queen’s Park - Making good on their promise to maximize inefficiency, poor customer service, and already extended wait times, Doug Ford’s government has made the decision to move six ServiceOntario locations into Staples Canada retail stores starting this Thursday.

“We thought long and hard about where exactly Ontarians most frequently wander aimlessly through gigantic, undifferentiated aisles looking for any semblance of customer service and arrived at Staples as the perfect fit for our latest retail partnership model,” stated a representative for Ford’s Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario.

While news of this partnership was met with general ambivalence, representatives from Canadian Tire, Lowe’s, and various gigantic Loblaws stores that feature kilometre-long corridors of produce with only one available and open checkout expressed disappointment that although once under consideration, they failed to snag this latest lucrative government contract. 

Andrew Scott is a musician and writer who lives in Toronto in a house amongst children, antiquated technology of yesteryear and many, many instruments. Instagram, writing, poetry, more poetry.