Jason Kenney And Alberta Cabinet Quarantining After Testing Positive For Severe Case Of “Fuckits”

By Paul Dudar

Edmonton - Premier Jason Kenny and most of his Cabinet have tested positive for a severe case of Fuckititus. A disease whereby the victim ceases to care about very much at all, except for Big Oil and Big Box Stores.

The diagnosis came after it was confirmed that Kenny's Government had seen data projecting a dangerous surge in COVID cases in Alberta and did nothing to prevent it. "Well, we were going to impose new measures to protect the lives of Albertans. But then we decided, nah!" said Kenny reading sloppily from a prepared statement.

"We shoulda done something, I guess....Anyway, let's get serious! Trudeau and the Feds are being reckless and irresponsible. WE NEED THE FEDS TO BAIL OUT THE OIL FIELDS NOW! Albertan oil workers had to sell their jet skis! This is unacceptable!"

At press time, further testing had confirmed that Kenny had contracted Fuckits from Ontario Premier Doug Ford via Zoom call.

UPDATE:

Following a decision to send teachers to North Dakota during the weekend to be vaccinated, Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister was diagnosed with the Ontario Strain of the Fuckits.

Paul Dudar is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. More of Paul’s work can be found on Twitter @PaulDudar and his website www.pauldudar.com