John Tory Releases Thousands of Snakes Into Trinity Bellwoods Park To Deter Torontonians From Gathering

By Scott Slute

Toronto - After hundreds of residents crowded together at the popular Toronto park yesterday, drinking Old Style Pilsners and playing spikeball in large groups, Mayor John Tory has enacted new measures to ensure residents stop breaking social distancing protocols.  

The mayor released thousands of different snakes into the park today, ranging in various danger levels from “cute little hiss-hiss boys” to “will consume both you and your toddler without hesitation”.  

“I get that it was a nice day, believe me I do. But what the residents of this city need to understand is that ‘suns out’ does not mean rona’s gone,” said the mayor as he opened the cage of several noticeably agitated Burmese pythons. 

The mayor warned that if residents continued to break social distancing guidelines, he would up the ante with even more park dangers.

“I just received a shipment of two dozen cartons filled with Murder Hornets, and if people keep coming here I will not hesitate to release them,” Tory told reporters, “I’ve also been put in touch with Premier Ford’s grizzly bear guy and we’re exploring options there as well.”

Although some environmental experts worry about the possible ecological disturbance that could happen after hundreds of species of snakes from across the globe are released into one small isolated area, the mayor says that is a risk he’s willing to take.

“Yes, some squirrels are going to die. But the safety of Torontonians comes first and that means sometimes you have to destroy an entire ecosystem to ensure that.”

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold.