Donald Rumsfeld Attempts To Escape Hell Via Gulf Of Mexico

By Scott Slute

The Ninth Circle - After only three days of listening to Rush Limbaugh chat his ear off, proponent of war crimes against children Donald Rumsfeld is attempting to break free from Lucifer’s layer.

The former US defence secretary is currently attempting to claw his way out hell via a burning inferno in the middle of the ocean that has torn a hole directly to the underworld. Though Rumsfeld wasn’t behind the hole, some reports say he knew about the plan and allowed it to happen for his own personal gain.

“We’re sad to see him go,” Satan tells us, “He showed us a lot of great new torture techniques my team is excited to start implementing. Spoiler alert, some of them involve implements! Haha, that’s just a little hell humour.”

Though a burning ocean may be alarming to some, even referred to as “the end of days”, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said his plan to eliminate the sale of fuel-based cars by 2035 should cut back on hellfire engulfing the Earth by 42%.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold