Loblaws Appoints New CEO, Straightlen Easton

Toronto - The Canadian grocery giant has announced today they will be replacing their former CEO with a fresh new face. Straightlen Easton, a mysterious European grocery tycoon, will take the helm of the company and all its subsidiaries effective immediately.

“Mr Easton brings years of experience having run his own grocery chain Flobobs in the far away country of Flanada, which is in Eastern Europe and is real,” said a Loblaws rep while introducing Mr Easton and his very real moustache, “Oh and his family didn’t own his company and he never fixed bread prices. Straightlen is a good guy.”

Mr Easton says he’s excited to take on his new role and new salary that comes with it. He also wanted to wish the former Loblaws CEO all the best in his next endeavour and commented that he definitely had a strong chin and wasn’t sure why Canadians kept saying otherwise.