Ford Takes Paid Sick Day After Potential Exposure To Difficult Questions

By Luke O’Brien

Etobicoke - Premiere Doug Ford has entered a ‘mandatory’, self-imposed 10 day quarantine after it was revealed that the Premiere might have been exposed to the audible questioning of his mewling peasant subjects.

Coming fresh off record COVID infection spikes and lockdowns with no basis in material or scientific reality, Premiere Ford was allegedly within 6 metres of another reasonable adult human being who may have transmitted such audible probes such as, “what the fuck are you doing?” and “why haven’t you plunged a short-sword into your stinking guts, you bumbling fucking oaf?”

The Premiere noted that he takes his mental well-being very seriously and was notably bristled by suggestions that he resign, as a Washington Post opinion piece recently suggested; or suggestions that he “go out ‘disgraced Japanese military leader’ style in the next 24 hours” as suggested by esteemed members of the Toronto Harold writers guild.

As workers routinely trudge into their super-spreader event workplaces at the fringes of society, Ford announced that his paid days off in his luxury cottage up north were to help him detox from all the “negative vibes” of the “haters” suggesting that he is personally culpable for the thousands of excess deaths of people aged 65 and older from fundamental mismanagement of personnel, resources, executive powers—“total baloney,” said Ford, suddenly vividly excited by his own turn-of-phrase.

At press time, the former nepotistic-sticker-salesman-turned-huckster-politician was unavailable for comment as he was busy being photographed while pawing a corded phone in his sweaty, tallow-slick hands while pretending to call more competent leaders for help; but sources inside Queen’s Park admit that it could be several more weeks before the Premiere decides that it’s all probably blown over again and that he can get back to work killing more people born in the 1950s than asbestos ever could.

Luke O’Brien is The Toronto Harold’s Editor of Goofs and Gaffs

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