Ford Genuinely Upset About All The People He’s Killed

Muskogee “Etobicoke” - At a virtual press conference held at what appeared to be the construction site of an unfinished Tribute Communities house, a teary-eyed Ford expressed how very sorry he was that all your grandparents died alone due to his incompetence.

“Folks, I’ve been isolating for the last 24 hours, and being alone with my thoughts has made me realize what an absolute shitshow this last year has been due to my policy making,” the Premier said, while pausing several times to weep openly, “And trust me folks, nothing is going to change. But at least now I’m aware of what a disaster this is.”

Ford reiterated that he was always trying to put the people of Ontario’s best interest first in all of his decision making, and that “the people of Ontario” also included all his buddies who own construction companies because technically they are “people” in “Ontario”.

Ford continued, “My cabinet has had Ontario’s best doctors advising us on our policies this whole time. And every once in a while we actually listen to them!”

Ford then said that although you weren’t able to be in your Aunt Carol’s hospital room as she died from COVID, if you were you would have heard her dying words of “The Provincial government is not responsible for paid sick days.” And Ford said the least he could do is honour Carol’s dying wish.

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