Loblaws Warns Of An Eternal Winter If Grocery Tycoons Are Held Accountable

Toronto - With the Canadian government having proposed the idea of a Grocery Code of Conduct, executives of Loblaws warn that this type of accountability would give them no choice but to plummet the country into a state of endless winter that will destroy all life and usher in the end of days.

“Any mandate that would enforce transparency, predictability and fair dealings in the grocery industry is bad news for Canadians,” stated president Galen Weston, “The sun would never rise across this land and the forests would wither away if consumers were to ever discover the wholesale cost of bone-in chicken breast.”

Citing Fimbulvetr, the Norse mythological prelude to Ragnarök, Weston confirmed that this coming winter would be the last for Canadians should he ever have to reveal how big his 2022 bonus was.

“I certainly don’t love paying $24.99 for a bottle of No Name olive oil, but endless darkness across the land also sounds pretty bad,” stated one Loblaws shopper, “I mean the sun already sets at 4:30 now, I can’t imagine it going down any earlier.”

While other grocery giants were initially open to the idea of a code of conduct, many have since shifted their stance stating that Galen Weston has only revealed 1% of his true power.