Bank of Canada Demands Sacrifice Of First-Borns In New Interest Rate Announcement

Ottawa - The Bank of Canada is kicking off 2023 with yet another interest rate hike. The benchmark rate will remain at its current 4.25% but will now also include a ceremonial sacrifice of the next of kin.

This latest increase comes just weeks after the Bank made a similar increase, and many Canadians are beginning to voice their disappointment in having to sign a blood pact demanding the flesh of their eldest amid already record-high inflation.

“It’s hard enough making ends meet these day, and now it seems like the dream of owning a home is even less accessible,” says 33 year old Sarah Miller, “I mean I don’t even have a kid, plus the coast of a down payment and having to buy the ceremonial cultist robes I just don’t know how I’ll do it.”

Others, particularly adults who’s elderly parents have fallen upon hard financial times, say they’re excited about the new policy.

“It’s kind of cool that I get to be a part of this ceremony at the bank,” says 29 year old Brandon Stein, who’s parents were forced to remortgage their home after his 61 year old father was recently laid off, “I’m not super stoked about the whole ‘being sacrificed’ thing but hey, it’s probably the closest I’d come to getting a mortgage anyways.”

The five major banks were swift to math the Bank’s increase, with BMO stating they planned to have deep, cavernous pits installed in most branches by the end of the week.