New Study Finds Women Who Scream “We Are Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together!” Have a 100% Chance Of Going Home With Their Ex

By Scott Slute

London - A recent study coming out of Western University has determined that whenever a recently-single woman screams “we are never, ever, ever, getting back together” while pre-drinking Palm Bays, there is a 100% chance she will go home with her ex that evening. 

“After months of research, we’ve assessed that if a woman screams those iconic Taylor Swift lyrics while pre-drinking before a night out she will, with 100% certainty, be sleeping with her ex that night,” lead researcher Dr Celine Mason tells us. 

Dr Mason elaborates that the phenomenon is particularly relevant if said night out falls on the woman’s birthday, what would have been her 6 month anniversary, or homecoming weekend.  

“If a woman happens to scream those lyrics on a day where she would already be demanding copious amounts of attention, our research indicates that within 30 minutes she will decide it’s a good idea to text her ex looking to start a fight.,” Dr Mason explains, “This will inevitably result in her inviting him to meet up at the bar later that night,  eventually ending in her going back to his apartment to play beer pong with his roommates until 3 AM.”

Kara Elliot, 22, says she recently fell victim to the phenomenon just last weekend. 

“It started out simple enough, just drinking pinot grigio with the girls before going out. Then Miranda thought it would be a funny to put that damned song on. I couldn’t control myself when I ran into Tyler later that night.” 

Kara explains that when she saw her ex, her friends all encouraged her to go over and tell him what a piece of shit he was. Instead, she blurted out that she missed him and wanted to get back together. They’re now “working things out”. 

A related study also found that the number of times a man says “Bro I literally never want to see her again” was equal to the amount of times he creeped her Instagram profile that day. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold