Ontario’s “Top Doctor” Discovers COVID Droplets “100% Deactivated” By Contact With Work Punchclock
Science - As Ontario prepares to enter an even harsher lockdown, a crucial scientific discovery by the province’s “Top Doctor”—whose general appearance seems to be eerily similar to Ontario Premiere Doug Ford but wearing a mask and a cheap Halloween costume by sheer coincidence—has given hope that the tides may be turning in the battle against the third wave.
“Folks,” began the doctor whose accreditations were ‘left in the car’ when questioned by Toronto Harold reporters, “I would like to share some excellent news today, that frankly, blew my socks off when I heard it—and it might just mean a little mom and pop place called Tim Horton’s can get my real egg breakfast sandwiches to me much faster!”, continued the extremely consummate professional who kept referring to the Sunnybrook Research Institute as ‘wherever it is I work’.
According to the literature provided to The Harold, the research was done by the time-tested scientific method of "my own personal opinion from driving around" according to the abstract. The findings noted that the protein folding mechanism within the virus itself is rendered completely inert for exactly 7 and one-half hours (not including lunch break) after an employee number is punched into a low-wage retail or fast-food service job, thus allowing all employees the complete safety and freedom to continue to remain in direct proximity to each other for 40+ hours a week.
The excited, anonymous doctor assured us that thanks to the “hardworking, and also extremely sexually attractive” efforts of the Ontarian government, many low-wage, precarious, often housing insecure workers across the province soon will be unvaccinated and ready to be crammed like sardines into the breakroom of a Leon’s to get us back on track again.
Shortly after the conclusion of the conference, it was announced that the study may have even broader implications than once thought prior, as it may be possible for the work punchclock to deactivate all illness, thus making a ‘sick day’ a total scam by parasite workers trying to skim a buck off of the innocent and hard-working owners of the Amazon factory. The doctor stressed that “everyone can totally fuck off asking me about it now,” before directing all inquiries to his office at Queen’s Paaa—no sorry, wait. He’ll call us apparently.
Luke O’Brien is a contributing write at The Toronto Harold and currently being investigated by the federal government for CERB fraud.