Old Man Ford Says You Can Sleep In The Barn Tonight But Only If You Stay Away From His Daughters

Op-ed - “We don’t get many strangers round these parts,” the old man said in an ominous tone.

I had been wandering for hours in a far-off and distant land known as “Muskoka”. With sundown fast approaching and no where to seek shelter for the night, I knocked on the door of a nearby cottage.

The cottage was large, but certainly humble. It seemed to have been built from generational wealth, but approachable to the everyman. I could tell just by looking at it that the prime time to use this cottage was the last weekend in June and if the owners were to use it then and skip Pride festivities it was definitely for that reason and not deep-rooted homophobia.

A bellowing man, red in the face opened the door. “Did you anti-lockdown nut jobs find my cottage now too? Can’t you just leave me and my family alone, we’re making cherry cheesecake for crying out loud,” the man stated in a stern yet wholesome tone.

I explained my situation, that I need shelter for the night and would depart by the morning.

“Well, I suppose you can stay in the barn back there,” the old man told me, “But you better stay away from my daughters.”

I looked behind the old man, which was difficult as he had the stature of a Weeble Wooble, and saw that not only was the old man married, but he had somehow managed to procreate and had multiple daughters.

The old man lead me to the barn. “Now you stay in here, and tomorrow I’ll take you for some of those new freshly cracked egg sandwiches from Tim Horton’s. Have you tried those yet? Oh, they’re fantastic Well, goodnight and God bless the people of Ontario.”

So exhausted from my travels, I curled up in a bed of hay and went to sleep.

Suddenly I awoke to one of the old man’s daughters explaining to me how eating kale and avocados was just as good as getting a vaccine. Better, even. I told her to leave or I would face the old man’s wrath.

Sometime later, the second daughter appeared in the barn, trying to seduce me with harrowing tales of her time spent playing in the Lingerie Football League.

Before I could risk hearing the life stories of the other two daughters, I opted to stay in a quarantine hotel that night.

This article was submitted to The Toronto Harold anonymously.