Parliament Hill Cafeteria Runs Out Of Whole Milk After Andrew Scheer Drinks All 10 Litres Of It In One Sitting

By Scott Slute

Ottawa - On Friday, a milk-moustache embossed Andrew Scheer emerged from the Parliament Hill cafeteria at 2:13 PM. The opposition party leader had reportedly entered the cafeteria at 12:56 PM, and proceed to drink an astonishing 10 litres of full fat, homogenized, Canadian dairy milk.

The 6’3” Scheer, MP for Regina—Qu’Appelle, had reportedly been experiencing a very stressful morning, and was quoted as saying he needed “a little something to take the edge off.” He then took a seat at his usual cafeteria spot (the third seat on the south side of the fourth table), asked the cafeteria staff for the tallest, thickest glass of milk they had, and requested they “just keep ‘em coming” until he had ingested all 10 litres of whole milk they cafeteria had on hand.

“It was disturbing to watch a grown man consume that much milk,” NDP MP Carol Hughes tells us, “I may have butted heads with Mr Scheer regarding his stance on the carbon tax in the past, but witnessing him drink 10 litres of full fat milk was the first time I truly felt disgust towards my colleague.”

Other MPs, upon hearing the news, were both concerned for Andrew Scheer’s health, and saddened by the news that they couldn’t have cappuccinos until the cafeteria gets their next dairy shipment in on Tuesday. 22 year old Conservative MP Eric Melillo was particularly upset, as his mother just recently allowed him to start drinking coffee but he needed to have some milk in it because black coffee tasted too bitter and hurt his lil’ tumtum.

“No one other than Mr Scheer ever actually… drinks a glass of milk,” said cafeteria employee Luanda Ness, “We just keep it on hand for people to use in their coffee, or for the Senators to cool off their pipping hot bowls of oatmeal in the morning.”

During his press conference later in the day, Scheer was bombarded with questions regarding his glutinous consumption of all that whole milk. He retorted accusations from the media that he acted selfishly in drinking all of the milk.

“I consumed all that delicious whole milk in an effort to support our hard-working Canadian dairy farmers, who have been hit the hardest during the current COVID-19 global pandemic. Unlike Prime Minister Trudeau, who has done nothing for our Canadian dairy industry, I am the only Member of Parliament who actu-,” Scheer then begun to projectile vomit all over his podium and the press conference was cut short.

Scott Slute is the Editor-in-Chief at The Toronto Harold