Premier Ford Recommits To Keeping Head Buried In Sand

Premier Ford addresses the Press on Tuesday Credit: Toronto Harold Intern Pariah #134

By Paul Dudar

Toronto – The Premier appeared before the press on Tuesday with his head firmly planted beneath the surface of a modified sandbox. “Folks! Thankfully, systemic racism isn’t a problem in Canada,” declared Ford, his voice muffled from beneath the sand.

In years past, Doug Ford reserved sticking his head in the sand for Pride events, environmental studies, autistic children, and drug addiction. Recent events, such as large-scale anti-racism demonstrations, a damning Federal report on long-term care homes and botched COVID testing numbers have seen the Premier submerging his head into the sand with greater frequency.

When asked by this reporter if Ford would be changing his stance on reducing funding to police departments, the Premier responded “Folks! I don’t believe in that for a second. Even though I TOTALLY did that to the OPP in 2019!”

Ford and staffers declare they will not attend Pride, circa 2019 Toronto Harold Archives

When the press conference concluded, Deputy Premier Christine Elliott and Education Minister Stephen Lecce pushed the Premier’s sandbox out of the room via a modified pump truck. When the truck hit a bump in the floor the sandbox slid off, dislodging Ford’s head, the Premier then snapped his eyes shut and quickly inserted his index fingers into each ear and yelled “LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!” as he bolted down the hall.

The Premier ran to his Ford F-150 and was last seen heading north on the 400 at 150 km/h to heading to the annual Ford Family Reunion, where he will spend the weekend ignoring the concept of white privilege.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com