BREAKING: Ghislaine Maxwell Found Dead After Tripping And Falling Into FBI’s Wood Chipper

By Paul Dudar

MANCHESTER N.H. – Ghislaine Maxwell, known associate of billionaire and convicted sex offender/trafficker Jeffery Epstein has been pronounced dead after a not at all suspicious fall into the New Hampshire FBI’s wood chipper. 

According to NH FBI spokesperson Steve Maliwicki, “I see no need to look into this further. There is no reason we need to ask any more questions or give this any further serious and critical thought or investigation.”

When this reporter inquired about why the FBI left Maxwell alone in a windowless room with a fully functioning, gas-powered ChipMax 484 Industrial Woodchipper that was currently running, Maliwicki responded, “That is standard procedure for the FBI in New Hampshire. We love landscaping in the Granite State.”

When the reporter from the Times asked why the video cameras in the room were not functioning and guards outside her door were absent, Maliwicki asserted “The woodchipper won't work when the cameras are on. It gets camera shy. Let’s not overthink this, we all know accidents happen.”

Maliwicki continued, “This is an open and closed case. We pick her up yesterday and she’s dead today. There is absolutely no reason we should look closely at anybody who might have benefited from her not testifying in open court. No need to look at the prominent business people or political figures that she has spent time with.”

At press time, the FBI's woodchipper was seen being gagged and thrown into Lake Winnipesaukee by two gentlemen whom Buckingham Palace confirm are “definitely not Prince Andrew and Kevin Spacey.”

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com