Anti-Vaxxers Reach Stone Age

Cambridge - After several Ontario restaurants and pharmacies report being vandalized with rocks baring anti-vaccine messages, primatologists now believe that anti-vaxxers have reached a place human civilization was at 100,000 years ago.

“It’s truly remarkable at the speed in which these hominids are evolving,” says renowned primatologist and anthropologist Dr Jane Goodall, “Just months ago, the Ontarius Antivaxxsapian couldn’t understand a basic instruction like ‘please wear a mask’. Now, they seem to have developed the ability to use stone tools. Magnificent!”

Much like the neanderthal before them, these stone using anti-vaxxers are demonstrating a combative and aggressive relationship with modern day homo sapiens. And although their tool use is impressive, Dr Goodall notes that based on their attacking of small businesses, they still lack the brain power to understand human society.

“Of course, it would be far too much to expect these anti-vaxxers to have a grasp on where laws get passed in our society. It will take time for them to understand restaurants are not the ones making public policy, just enforcing it. Let alone expect them to comprehend what a pandemic is and how viruses work. Nevertheless, their intelligence seems to far surpass that of a chimpanzee,” says Dr Goodall.

The doctor says that at the rate these anti-vaxxers are evolving, it seems they could finally understand what the phrase “my body my choice” means by early 2023.