Quarantined Forest Hill Husband Shocked to Discover He Has Been Married to Age-Appropriate Woman This Whole Time

By Scott Slute

Toronto - As the city enters into its third week of social distancing and closure of non-essential businesses, some Torontonians are now being forced to adjust to life without such essentials as hair salons, aestheticians, and cosmetic surgery.  For one resident of the city’s Forest Hill neighbourhood, this means coming to the disturbing realization that his trophy wife is actually in her late 40’s.

53 year old investment banker Chuck Donnelley and his wife, Estonian-born model and Instagram “fit-fluencer” Maria Jakobson (@MariaJumpingJak), returned to Toronto from their second home in St Barts on March 16. With the government’s new mandate of self-quarantine for travellers returning to Canada, the couple was forced to remain isolated in their 6000 square-foot estate. But after just a few days, the unthinkable started to happen.   

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing” said Mr Donnelley, who first began noticing his wife undergoing the natural process of aging last week, “Before this quarantine happened, I had just assumed she was at least two decades younger than me.” What began as something as simple as Maria’s natural roots growing in, soon escalated to a nightmare scenario. 

As the days passed, Maria’s lips began deflating, her forehead began showing lines, and Mr Donnelley began finding lone grey hairs on her pillow in the mornings while she prepared him his egg white omelette. It soon became clear to Mr Donnelley that his wife had been lying all these years, and was in fact nearly the same age as him. 

But it isn’t just looking age-appropriate that has been affecting Maria. Without proper access to the services provided by her Medi-Spa, including facial rejuvenation, spray tanning and lip fillers, Maria is now suffering from the symptoms of having ethnically-appropriate facial features. 

“I’ve already begun the divorce procedures,” says Mr Donnelley, “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life. I’m not sure what to tell the boys at the country club. I can’t believe my wife was nearly 50 years old.”

And with the provincial government mandating the closure of non-essential services, other members of Toronto’s elite are expressing similar concerns. “Without access to my botox treatments, I am very concerned I will begin showing my disgust towards my husband on my face instead of just internalizing all of it,” says Yorkville resident and human-lizard hybrid Suzanne Cummings. “And with the temporary closing of Holt Renfrew I don’t know what I am going to do when my La Mer cream runs out. Premier Ford can’t possibly expect me to resort to using generic face cream from Shopper’s Drug Mart.” 

Premier Doug Ford is set to meet with members of the community later this week who have begun a petition to classify botox clinics and cosmetic surgeons as “essential services”. Representatives for the cause claim that without access to such amenities emergency rooms will soon be flooded with victims of shattered expectations. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold