Canadian Telecom Companies To Offer Millennials 15% Off Home Phone Service During COVID-19 Crisis

By Scott Slute

Toronto - In a joint press conference held today by Canada’s “Big 3”, representatives from Rogers, Bell and Telus announced that they will be offering a 15% discount off home phone service fees to existing customers under the age of 35 for the remainder of the COVID-19 pandemic.

“We understand that our consumers are worried about money right now. We know what it is like to not know if you can afford to pay your next bill,” said Rogers CEO Joe Natalie, who has an annual salary of $18 million, “This can be especially hard for our younger customers. Which is why we are pleased to offer this generous discount on home phone service to our millennial friends.” 

“We know how important it is to stay in touch with loved ones right now,” continued Mr Natalie, “And we wish for all our young customers who love to talk on a landline phone to be able to do so without stressing about the cost. It’s our way of thanking our loyal customers, who through market monopolization, lobbying, and throttling bandwidth usage to smaller providers, have chosen to use us as their primary service.”

Telus Vice President Jeff Pruitt stated, “We would like to take this time reassure our customers that despite the current viral threat, we will still be here for you. We are all dealing with this crisis together, and it is times like these that we as Canadians need to come together as a community.” He then climbed into his toilet paper filled helicopter and departed for his private island in Muskoka.  

When asked by reporters if the discount would apply to long-distance, mobile calls, or text messages a spokesperson from Bell responded “Absolutely not.” 

The Bell representative went on to elaborate that their prison phone monopoly would of course be exempt from this new promotion. Incarcerated, non-violent drug offenders should still expect to pay upwards of $30 a minute to phone their families and let them know coronavirus had yet to spread to their cell block, but were anticipating it to reach them any day now. 

“I guess saving $2.87 a month is better than nothing,” said recently laid-off bartender Brayden Lowe, who does not own a landline telephone and has been trying to figure out how to cancel his home phone service ever since Rogers tacked it on to his internet and TV bundle after moving into his apartment over two years ago.

Spokespeople from all three providers also took the opportunity to remind customers that if they were to contract COVID-19 and die, it would still remain their responsibility to cancel their service and pay outstanding fees, otherwise their surviving family members would be responsible for all overage fees accrued after death. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold