Raccoon King Declares War On Toronto

“Soon Toronto will be ashes, and only the Raccoon will reign supreme.”

-King Squishems

By Scott Slute

Toronto - The City of Toronto is warning residents to avoid contact with raccoons amid a significant increase in reports of people being attacked by the pesky animals after King Squishems declared war on the human residents of the city.

“When the humans are defeated, Toronto will be reclaimed by raccoons,” the raccoon king proclaimed to a crowd of his supporters, “Soon, brothers and sisters, the promised land of Toronto will be ours once more!”

Toronto Animal Services has reported a 62 percent increase in reports of raccoon bites and scratches since the onset of the pandemic. And now experts predict that could shoot up to a 300% increase with this new declaration of war.

“The almighty King Squishems, in his cute and chubby wisdom, knew the humans were weakened by the pandemic and saw his opportunity to strike. He has united the 7 Raccoon Clans of Toronto and now we are unstoppable,” an anonymous local raccoon tells us, “We have already taken Dufferin Mall, and our forces will soon expand to conquer the entire west end of the city by April.”

Tensions have been high between Torontonians and raccoons for centuries, but it appears the two groups have reached a boiling point. In 2016 a local raccoon was struck by a bus prompting Toronto residents to erect a shrine in his honour.

Although many saw this shrine as an act of unity between the two groups, raccoon experts noted this was a sign of disrespect to the community, as a traditional raccoon burial involves a city official throwing the body into a garbage bag and disposing of it in the Don River. Many raccoons saw this shrine as the first act of war.

City officials have yet to respond to the raccoons deceleration of war, though many suspect Mayor Tory’s insistence on ending the stay-at-home orders is so residents can leave their home to kick some raccoon ass.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold