Local Man Approaches One Year Anniversary Of Being Drunk

“It’s the pandemic, there are no rules!”

By Scott Slute

Little Italy - As Ontario approaches the one year anniversary of a province-wide state of emergency, a local Toronto man is celebrating his own personal milestone.

“Yup, March 14th will be the one year mark of me and my roommates being absolutely shit-faced 24/7,” Alistair Hamilton, an unemployed former barista, tells us while drinking his breakfast White Claw, “It’s a pretty big milestone for us.”

Since last March, with many employers left with no choice but to lay-off their staff, unemployed Ontarians have been trying to find creative ways to fill their days. Residents have been taking up baking, starting online business and, in Alistair’s case, partying non-stop with the boys!

“Haha ya no it’s defiantly not a problem, we’re just vibing,” says Alistair, “It’s the pandemic, there are no rules!” 

“We’re extremely concerned about Alistair’s mental health,” Alistair’s roommate Geoffrey tells us, “His delusion with drinking is becoming very alarming. I’ve had to install a lock on my door because he kept busting down my door during my Zoom meetings trying to get me to do shots at 11AM. I can’t live like this, I’m up for partner at my firm.” 

With unseasonably warm temperatures coming this March, or as Alistair calls it “Early Park Season”, there is very little chance the party is going to stop anytime soon for Alistair. Hell ya buddy!

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold