MLB To Allow Runners To Carry Bat, Hit Other Players, To Make Game More Interesting

By Gabriel Venneri

Florida - The start of the baseball season brings new rule changes designed to speed up the game and make it more entertaining for fans, the latest of these rules will allow runners to carry their bat with them and use it to hit players of the other team. The MLB hopes this new rule will bring more violent action to games as well as inspire more bitter rivalries to boost viewership.

“Just imagine Mike Trout barreling towards Jose Abreu, bat in hand, you’re telling me that wouldn’t be entertaining?” said somewhat unhinged MLB commissioner Rob Manfred in a press conference earlier this week, “Base runners will also be able to sneak attack pitchers when they’re not looking. We’re very excited about this change, and to make things even more interesting we’re allowing players to take steroids again.”

The commissioner also recognized that this could cause an imbalance in the game, given that the first team at bat would have a clear advantage. “The bases are also trapdoors that can open at any time, causing the runner to plummet into a bottomless pit! We’re also introducing exploding balls, batters better watch out! The pitcher can throw a ball that explodes when it makes contact with the bat, how’s that for action? Still not convinced that baseball’s entertaining? Well in the sixth inning, we take the four drunkest fans in the stadium and force them to ump the rest of the game. Literally anything can happen!”

Manfred said he is hopeful that these changes will restore the public’s interest in America’s pastime. “Look, I’ll give you twenty bucks if you watch a game this year, just please watch a game or two. Please?”

Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn