Toronto Officials Aid Unhoused Population by Providing Encampments With Cute Little Propeller Hats

“We've given them the tools that they need so they can fly to another city that gives a shit.”

By Dan Pearce

Toronto - At long last, John Tory has found a solution for housing the approximately 1500 homeless people living in Toronto. Community members have been critical of encampment evictions, which force people camping overnight in public parks to leave and move into temporary housing, but officials are going to be using a new approach which they think will make everyone happy: 

“The City of Toronto will produce 1500 tiny colourful propeller hats by the end of 2021, which will be provided to our unhoused residents”, said Mayor Tory, “If we aren’t going to do anything meaningful to resolve this housing crisis, the least we can do is make the encampments more visually appealing to our millennial park-goers with these charming little hats.”

The new concept was inspired by the lifestyle of Canada geese. Every homeless person in the city will be given a lovely propeller hat which is not only make them look extra adorable, but can also be used to fly north for the summer, or west, or southeast, or really wherever they want just as long as we don't have to see them anymore.

When officials were asked whether they were aware that propeller hats don't actually take flight, they said “Of course we know they can't fly, but we think that if they believe hard enough, some homeless magic will kick in, just like a Tim Burton movie.”

The lovely little propeller hats have various other uses: You can wear it to a job interview, you can wear it to the park, and it's a eye-catching item for collecting change in, which you will most likely still be doing because without a phone or a bank account you are still guaranteed to be turned down by every potential employer.

After reaching out to Mayor Tory’s office and inquiring if he had consulted any of Toronto’s community support officials, the mayor told us, “Oh, that’s a great idea! I should ask them what they think, maybe they'll have some fun new design concepts!”

If you would like todo the opposite of our city and support Toronto’s encampments in a meaningful way, please visit the Encampment Support Network.

Dan Pearce is a contributing writer for The Toronto Harold. Dan can be found on both Twitter and Instagram @danfromlinkedin.