Torontonians Celebrate Finally Being Number One, Even If It’s For Most Traffic Congestion

By Andrew Scott

Toronto - News released yesterday that Toronto has been ranked the number one worst city in North America for traffic congestion brought a sense of palpable joy to a defeat weary city still licking its wounds after years of not attaining the top spot in absolutely anything.

According to Kyle Duncan, long-time Maple Leafs fan who has been perennially let down since 1967, taking the top prize in anything is a much-needed shot in the arm for the morale of the city. “It’s true,” says Duncan, “we certainly came close in 2023 when Pearson Airport was ranked as the second-worst airport in the continent for overall traveller satisfaction, but then those pesky folks at Newark Liberty International snatched victory from the jaws of defeat.”

According to Toronto city planners, although there is a desire to have a downtown parade in recognition of this top spot designation, plans for the celebratory event have been called off citing traffic, gridlock, and congestion concerns. 

Andrew Scott is a musician and writer who lives in Toronto in a house amongst children, antiquated technology of yesteryear and many, many instruments. Instagram, writing, poetry, more poetry.