Trudeau Bans Coronavirus

By Scott Slute

Ottawa - The Liberal government announced on Friday a ban on hundreds of types of coronaviruses — including the deadly COVID-19 currently sweeping the nation. 

Trudeau declared that by simply making COVID-19 illegal, that should pretty much end the pandemic. He stated that once this new law was in place, the virus would just stop existing because that’s how laws work.  

“We have watched this deadly virus ravage Canada for too long. As of today, we will no longer be tolerating any types of coronavirus within this country,” said Minister of Health Patty Hajdu “Enough is enough. By simply making coronavirus illegal we will be saving Canadian lives.” 

The ban has been met with criticism from both sides in the coronavirus debate. 

Healthcare workers are questioning the effectivity of making a virus illegal, claiming the virus will still thrive on the blackmarket, and could be smuggled in through countries that have looser virus laws. 

“It’s confusing because I’m still seeing hundreds of new cases even with this ban in place,” said Dr William Chang of the London Health Sciences Centre, “I thought that by making something vaguely illegal without including any other guidelines or parameters around the new law, that the virus would have just completely disappeared. It makes no sense!”

Advocates who believe COVID-19 to be a hoax, are unsure of the legality involved in outlawing something that isn’t even real.

“Why doesn’t [Trudeau] just go ahead and ban other fantasy things like unicorns and dinosaurs and kangaroos,” said Rebel News founder Ezra Levant, “If he really cared about the safety of Canadians he would be outlawing 5G towers.” 

Responsible virus carriers are also up in arms about this new ban. 

“It’s unfair to those of us who carry the virus responsibly. If I want to walk around with a deadly ailment living within my body, bringing it into my home and around my family, I should have the right to do so,” weezed viral-rights advocate Chuck Harris. 

All four Conservative leadership candidates have spoken out against Trudeau’s ban, with Peter MacKay calling it “crass and untimely,” and Erin O’Toole vowing to scrap the ban and flood the country with even more viruses if elected.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold