TTC Announces Social Distancing No Longer Possible For Poor People

By Scott Slute

Toronto - After pictures taken on TTC buses showing zero social distancing went viral, the TTC has come out and informed riders that this is just the new normal and riders should come to terms with the fact that they are probably going to die.

“We understand the concerns about social distancing on the buses. And we are aware thousands of Torontonians, particularly those in less affluent neighbourhoods, rely on TTC buses everyday,” said TTC president Rick Leary, “But as the city continues to re-open, riders of the Dufferin, Pape, and Jane buses will have to understand they are probably not going to live through the winter.

When asked why the TTC didn’t just simply run more buses along these busy routes, Leary muttered something about Bombardier before knocking all his papers off the podium in a sad attempt to cause a distraction. He then departed in his self-driving Tesla.

A tweet from the TTC twitter account recommended that if a bus was too crowded, riders could simply get off and wait for another bus. Riders acknowledged this would be a fine idea if they were in a city that actually had a competent transit system with buses that operated on some sort of comprehendible schedule.

In order to adapt to no longer giving a fuck, the TTC has announced new changes including replacing signs encouraging social distancing with new signs recommending riders just stop being poor. “Concerned about COVID? Try not being poor!”, one of the new posters says.

There will also be new announcements informing riders when a bus has reached capacity. “This bus is now at full capacity. Maybe if you had have studied harder in grade 11 physics class, or been born white, you wouldn’t be in this predicament.” the speakers will state.

The TTC also recommended riders concerned about social distancing bring a school-aged child with them to encourage other riders to stay far away.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold